I started this blog with the intention of posting weekly updates of my adventures, people I had met, and memories I wanted to savor. But (obviously), it hasn’t quite turned out to be that. It isn’t that I am too lazy to write these posts, or that I’ve been too busy doing exciting things that I didn’t even have a chance to sit down and write them. In fact I have spent days with my computer open to an empty blog page, but my mind draws a blank.
To be quite honest, I haven’t done much. Definitely less than I’ve wanted to, I haven’t met people to write home about, and my memories from this season of life are more so the small mundane times rather than anything big or life changing.
I’ve actually been quite low, one of the lowest I think I’ve actually ever been in my life. And it’s a sad feeling, and quite a disappointing feeling. I set out west with hopes and dreams of how great and life-changing everything would be, and I have been met with little to nothing.
Jules recently wrote a blog post about alone time that really encapsulated how I’ve felt over the last few months (yellowsummr.com go read it).
But if clicking that link is too hard for you, essentially she talked about though she loves alone time and in normal life she would crave it, but since we’ve been here it has been passive alone time in which she feels lonely even though it’s not the alone time she normally would crave.
In reality, I’m not alone. Jules and I could touch hands from our beds, I see coworkers on a daily basis, and there’s always a flow of guests going in and out of the restaurant. But though that is all factual, I have never felt more lonely.
I can sit in my bed and virtually connect with my friends and family from all over the world, which is both a blessing and a curse. My mom and dad are at the other end of my phone call to be there for me and always lend a listening ear, but on that very same phone I am seeing all these people go out and have fun and spend time with their friends while I sit in my 4x4 dorm room with nothing going on.
That’s the curse of that good ole’ social media.
For example, through my instagram, people likely wouldn’t be able to tell how hard of a time I’m having. Each time I’ve done something fun or photo-worthy, I’ve posted it. But my followers don’t see the nights where I sit in bed while tears fill my eyes, or every time I walk in the kitchen and not a single person is in there, or if they are, they have zero interest in socializing.
I remember one night I was sitting in my dorm listening to Vienna (anxiety song ifykyk), and I felt like I wanted to post on instagram. I scrolled through my old photos and posted one that I hadn’t posted yet from the summer with the caption “easy, simple, good time I miss. Vienna on repeat”, and a friend of mine commented “U r thriving”. I actually laughed out loud when I read it. I thought to myself “what about my life right now is considered “thriving”’, but that is how it seems when all you are seeing is a perfectly curated highlight reel.
It’s easy to make your life seem glamorized and romanticized. But there’s a lot going on behind the curtain, that isn’t so easy to share. It really is okay not to be okay! I’ve realized that this is a really normal feeling that almost everyone goes through, especially when making big lifestyle changes like I have and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Things are looking up though. Not friend wise (the average age of employee here we calculated is 37 years old and only seems to be going up), but Jules’ car is here, we have hikes planned, there is alcohol in sight, and I have things to look forward to. Good things come to those who wait I guess!
And it’s funny because at some point I will probably look back and miss my 3 minute walk to work, or watching live Caamp concerts on my computer with Jules as we drink Downeast and eat frozen pizza. But it just isn’t what I anticipated.
I guess that’s the thrill of it though. This wasn’t my plan, or my hopes, but everything happens for a reason. If anything, this has been a learning experience. Memories and struggles from this time will likely guide me later in life and help me make decisions in my future. So it’s time to make the most of my few weeks left here, whatever those will entail and live and learn from this season of life. :’)
PS Jules I love you so ! and I’m so glad I’m here with you and if you weren’t here I would’ve been back to Chicago weeks ago. I’ll cherish our memories and time here forever and if anything, this is great for our TTI list for our future children.