Published on 5 April 2024 at 23:13

I see a lot online about making memories in your 20s, most including a night out dancing with your friends at some club in random hours of the night and a whole other world of experiences if I could think of them.  


A few months ago I was supposed to go to a concert on a Sunday night of a band I really liked playing locally at a small local venue, I was so excited.  The day came and there was nothing I dreaded more than going to that concert.  I was sitting in the front yard journaling trying to figure out what could possibly be wrong with me when Razz came outside and said that I seemed down.  My worst nightmare, someone had cracked my feelings.  


After probably 10 minutes deflecting with "I'm fine" or coming up with any other excuse I could as to why I seemed down, I finally broke.  Why was I, a newly 21 year old, living in a new city, with some of my best friends, not ever, and I mean EVER - up a night out. I could get dinner and drinks with my friends and then happily come home and chat on the porch for hours until we lay on the couch with our sitcom of choice playing while we all fall asleep.  Every time I'm invited to an outing, I scramble any excuse I possibly could to get out of the plan.  Seriously, what is wrong with me.  


I would love to say I had a huge party phase in high school or at West Virginia, it seems like a great cop-out.  I had a few years where I took it too far, aged myself too quick, and swiftly entered my "grandma era".  But that really (contrary to popular belief!!!) is not the case.  I've never been a party girl, I've advocated for a night in for as long as I can remember.  


In my mind I was even coming up with excuses for myself.  I had gotten an underage drinking ticket so I didn't want to drink out in public again to risk getting caught.  I got a fake taken away so I was scared to use my fake.  But then surprise, I turned 21 and still had no desire to go out.  What is wrong with me.  


I wish I was writing this post to say I had some huge revelation on why I have no desire (social anxiety probably), but I still haven't come to a consensus.  I truly do feel like I am missing some gene that gives me the desire to put on a cute top and pregame with my friends, make an Uber driver uncomfortable with vulgar conversation, meet up with strangers who will maybe become new friends, and then get some good drunk food and go home.  


All of this to say, is that I've realized that as much as maybe it's true that I'll never be in my 20s out dancing at the bars with friends ever again, I'll also never be living in my cozy college home with my best friends ever again either.  I won't be able to walk upstairs and convince someone to drink with me and stay up talking about our feelings.  Or when we all in unison agree that we're hungry and instead of cooking with the groceries we all just shopped for, we'll go out to dinner.  These are also valid ways to spend my nights!!!! Because one day that won't be the case anymore.  

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